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Sunday, December 16th, 2007
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I love the way my room smells.
I really like my life.
It's warm. Always warmer than everything else. It smells like sweet things, vanilla, and a lingering smell of pot and other comforting things. My bed, though it will probably leave me with irreparable spinal damage, is comfy as hell, and if I smush my face into one of my half dozen feather pillows, it always smells just a bit like Jeremie, which is nice to fall asleep with. I get frustrated with how my room looks. What with it's discolored carpet, half torn down wallpaper, random scatterings of pictures, artwork and souvenirs like hospital bands littering the walls. I can face that it's a mess, but my room has character.
When it comes down to it, my life kind of has character, too.
I really enjoy thinking of my life as a novel, with myself and my friends and family as characters. The setting is Maple Ditch outside of the grand Vancouver, which I'll get to later in the story. The rest of the world is alluded to, but the character-me doesn't go there, I don't think. She wants to though. Maybe that parts just not written yet.
I'm fascinated by my surroundings. The world is fun to look at. I was talking to a woman at my work. She lost her voice, and it was hardly over a whisper but she was talking excitedly. One day she decided to pack up everything and go to Quebec to marry some guy. She didn't speak French, but she went and learned it there. Since the last time she'd seen him, she became a body builder, and he barely recognized her. They tried, and it didn't work. By the time she left to come home she was 105lbs and a punk. She told me she'd been 17, and she had a chain that connected all of her piercings. She told me a bunch of stuff. My life is going to be awesome. If I think I'm having fun now, I can't wait until my twenties or thirties.... I think a lot of fun things come with age.
The most interesting people are the open minded ones. People who have let themselves experience life, enjoy, accept and try to understand it. If you can't have a little bit of fun, what good is it? I really like my life right now, I think. I feel like I've grown up a little bit in the last year. I really enjoy the people I'm surrounded with right now. I'm not worried about image in any way, and am content. The people in my life right now seem to be the people I'm going to be with for quite some time. I've learned patience. For a while there I lost my stride, but for the past couple months I'm back on track and I'm not stressed. Christmas is going wonderfully. I've got all my Christmas presents done. I think they're all really nice things. All things I would like myself, and I've had money for flexibility, too. I didn't go overboard with any presents, but I don't feel cheap. Each gift, aside from my mum and Jeremie cost about 20 dollars, give or take. All of my shopping is done and wrapped with the exception of two people who I've got to pick something up for and Robyn and I are baking some things and doing goodie bags for the fellowship. I bought gifts for Jeremie, Alley, Hailee, Sadie, Teshia, and my mum. I'm really excited to see what I get as well. Jeremie, Alley, Hailee, Sadie, Mary and Pano apparently all have surprises for me, and Cody gave me the phoenix I saw in Granville Island Kid's Market when we went Christmas shopping. It's really quite pretty, with myriad shades of red and orange and tasteful sparkles on it's wings. It has those big bird feet I like, too. It was also wrapped in really colorful paper with ribbons and bows. He picked me up from work today so we could do the last touches on my Christmas shopping, and we visited Robyn at work with a London Fog because she wasn't feeling well. I came home and wrapped all of my presents. It feels good.
Heh.
Yea.
Kara.
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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
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And so she wakes up in time to break down She left a note up on the dresser and she's right on time You don't know anything right or wrong I said I know and she said so I wanna panic but I've had it so I go You don't owe anything to anyone But don't take your life 'cause it's all that you've got You'd be better off just off and leaving if you don't think they will stop And when you wake up everything is gonna be fine I guarantee that you wake in a better place in a better time So you're tired of living feel like you might give in well don't it's not your time Looking through the paper today looking for a specific page Don't wanna find her full name followed by dates because when i left her alone she made a sound, like a moan "You're known by everyone for everything you've done" Fuck buying flowers for graves I'd rather buy you a one way non-stop to anywhere find anyone do anything forget and start again, love She said she won't go (and that's that) It hurts too much to stand by you've got to stop and draw a line Everyone here has to choose a side tonight the moment of truth is haunting you Don't forget your family regardless what you choose to do You can't decide and they're all screaming "why won't you?" I'll start the engine but I can't take this ride for you I'll draw your bath and I'll load your gun but I hope so bad that you bathe and hunt Annie's tired of forgetting about today and always planning for tomorrow Tomorrow and she says, "The saddest day I came across was when I learned that life goes on without me" Without me and she says, "If everyone has someone else, then I ain't got nobody's love to save me" Save me, and she says "I think I'll pass away tonight, 'cause it seems I'll never get it right, it's just me" (just reality) And when you wake up everything is gonna be fine Guarantee that you wake in a better place in a better time So you're tired of living feel like you might give in well don't It's not your time Annie says she wouldn't mind if they never find a cure for all her problems Problems and she says, as long as she has someone near to make it clear she does not need to solve them Solve them and she says, "oh, this loneliness is killing me, it's filling me with anger and resentment Resentment and she says, "I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again" And when you wake up everything is gonna be fine Guarantee that you wake up in a better place in a better time So you're tired of living feel like you might give in well don't It's not your time And even if it was so Oh I wouldn't let you go you could run run run run but I will follow close Someday you will say "that's it, that's all" but I'll be waiting there with open arms to break your fall I know that you think that you're on your own but just know that I'm here and I'll lead you home if you let me She said "forget me" but I can't Oi. I'm a mess.
kdmg. |
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Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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Give me a break, now mister
You've got me all wrong.
You've got me holding on to things
You've said and done.
I see you struggling.
Oh, I've been there before.
And I promise that it never gets easier.
All the lines have been crossed
And your message was lost.
I know how it seems
But it's not what I mean.
Will you please forgive me mister?
You've got me all wrong.
If you could please forgive me mister
You live and you learn.
Please forgive me.
Now you've seen your treasure,
You've traveled your course.
Now you wonder how it could of all worked out.
And my hearts been broken
And I've paid the cost
But I just can't seem to forgive myself.
All the things that I've done,
All the things that I've said,
I could never believe
That they came from my head.
Will you please forgive me mister?
You've got me all wrong.
If you could please forgive me mister
You live and you learn.
Please forgive me.
All the things that I've done,
All the things that I've said,
I could never believe
That they came from my head.
Will you please forgive me mister?
You've got me all wrong.
Will you please forgive me mister?
You live and you learn.
Will you please forgive me mister?
You've got me all wrong.
If you could please forgive me mister?
You live and you learn.
Please forgive me.
And give me a break
I think I don't remember what I look like.
I never picture myself, though I look at myself all the time. There's a chance I'm only checking the mirror out of curiosity, because there is something unusual about seeing myself the way that I am.
I don't consciencely acknowledge that I have blue hair and a bunch of metal in my face, although I am aware of it. I just don't think about it. And to this day it feels strange when people tell me they think my blue hair is my trademark. If I lose my blue hair, do I lose my trademark and my credibility? Am I only who I am because people think of me that way? Do I lose status, lose my charm or lose my flare because I shave my head?
I look at pictures of myself and am awed by what I see. Not because I think I'm particularly photogenic, or because I am conceited, but because I want to see me how other people might see me. Not posing for pictures, but candid camera shots. I love getting pictures of myself with my friends, especially when we don't know a picture is being taken. I'm fascinated in trying to see myself how other's see me. Not out of self consciousness or, again, conceit, but because I'm fascinated by how human minds work. I always wonder why miss communications happen, and why sometimes people can't understand each other no matter what they say or the body language does. If I could see myself the way other's see me, there's a chance I could understand why I wasn't communicating my thoughts very well. I could also see and perceive my actions and words from a different perspective, so I can correct some of the things I do without realizing it.
When I picture myself, a lot of images from when I was 14 pop into my head. I think I liked being me most then. I had an amazing group of friends who all got along flawlessly and all was good in the world. It sorta seems that time is coming again though.
I think that I was happiest being myself when I was fourteen, but seventeen is looking pretty sweet. Sadie's house is a godsend, and that group of people are simply an amazing eclectic mix of personalities that are a wonder in themselves. I'm stoked on my job, I'm diggin' on my friends, I'm lovin' on my Jeremie, I'm pretty much owning school..... life is sweet.
And I have a washing machine again.
Had to space that on it's own for emphasis. I was out of underwear there for a while. Life is good. And thus, I ramble. I even managed to (for once) successfully use a DIY Bikini Wax kit, with little or no crying! And my wee baby plant friend is not taller, but is very much greener. And I just kicked more ass than I thought I was capable of at an essay on existential philosophy, Aristotle's theory of tragedy and the stylistic technique that applies to Death of a Salesman. And I was awesome. And speaking of awesome, I will soon possibly be the ALMIGHTY of awesome, because I am about to prepare a portfolio of my art and makeup to bring to Toby from Blanche MacDonald so I can job shadow with him and quite possibly not even have to spend 13fucking000 dollars to learn to make zombies and go directly to the industry. DO NOT STOP. DO NOT PASS GO. GO DIRECTLY TO MOVIE INDUSTRY.
Fuck Yes,
and goodnight.
KDMG.
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Saturday, October 20th, 2007
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I come down like a hurricane sucked up inside Now I spit out the suffer, yeah. You say you want a revelation, Well, revel in this my lover. You're free at liberty is this what you want? Sometimes I wonder: There's a highway to, to the edge, yeah Once a night you will drive yourself there At the end of the road you will find the answer At the end of the road you will drink the fear I come down like a bloody rain cuts up flesh sky, Pulse beating under, yeah Meat petals bloom in a bone garden Ain't no god, no ghost gonna save you now I sell souls at the side of the road Would you like to take a number? Take your time, come on, get what you come for don't waste my time, come on, get what you come for I watched you burn in the eye of my sun, in the eye of my sun,
I fucked you in, in the eye of my sun, in the eye of my sun, Yeah yeah...
Just living my life.
There's nothing new. Only new things to submit to paper, or to my computer.
I just got my computer back up and running. No, my computer wasn't broken, it was just flawed to the point that I didn't want to use it anymore. Only now do I have a sound card, and speakers, and even still I'm in the process of cramming my computer full of discographies of bands that I've been craving. I have the basics back, and thus, my motivation to write has returned, kind of. In all honesty, I'm never really motivated to be on my computer any more. I'd rather be living my life.
I have a new job.
I worked at Value Village from September 12 2006, until September 28 2007. I gave my two weeks notice on September 15th, as was my goal.
I work at Rona, now. I get paid more to do less. Not much more. By my calculations, I'm actually only making about 6 bucks more per weekday shift than I normally would, and that also accounts to the fact that I start earlier (though I do end earlier, too, I guess). I'm a cashier. Actually a cashier this time, I'm not running around cleaning up everyone's shit and doing a million more jobs than I was hired to do. I won't tell the people I work for now, cause it'll make me look bad, but, god, do I ever feel like Value Village fucked me over. If I ever foresaw myself tagging dirty children's clothes in a back room by myself for hours at a time, or cutting up cardboard slats in a back alley, I never would have allowed myself to be hired on as an employee there. I was one of the best they had though, but I'm sure as hell glad to be out of there before Halloween. I'll miss the discounts. Rona is fun. I find it ironic and entertaining telling people that I work at a hardware store. It doesn't really make sense. I'm also the only one there with more than one facial piercing, and no one else even has a hint of off-colored hair. In fact, the other girls coifs are always perfectly in place, their subtle makeup never smudged or out of line. I also doubt any of the worry about smelling of weed when they walk through the automatic doors to assume their positions at their tills. In short, I don't fit in, but everyone is pleasant and I assume it'll only take a short time before I'm on the in of work place gossip. As soon as I learn the names, I'm sure it'll be offered to me to drag them through the dirt.
I've been going to school, and actually going to school. I have missed only 5 classes of my allowed 60 this year so far. Aside form a slip up or two I've been making sure to get all of my work done with quality. I'm taking English and Composition AP 12, Literature AP 12, Geography 12, Comparative Civilizations 12, Art Foundations 12 and I am student aiding for the Writing 12 class I took last year. This years group of writers is far less talented than the last and it almost disappoints me. But it's an easy thing to do, to student aide, and I don't have to worry about the assignments the class is given adding on to my homework load. Their assignments are all optional to me, I only have to catalog what I've been doing in the class in a weekly journal, and teach every once in a while. It's fun to be able top start debates about societal issues in a writing class. Anyways, because of my workload, I have to concentrate really hard this year. It's also of utmost importance that I maintain honor roll this year. Looks good on a transcript, helps with scholarships. And I need scholarships. Saving up for Blanche MacDonald has been nerve wracking, and student loans are definitely on my horizon, I just want to make them as small as possible. I also have to come up with a portfolio in order to get some of the scholarships I have my eye on. Meanwhile, I still have no idea how to apply to the damn school, how many days a week I'd be going, how to fund getting there, etc, etc, etc. I still don't know if I even want to take a year off, or how to manage doing all the required things to graduate, but it's a stressful work in progress.
I have a ridiculous need and desire to travel. Disneyland is half a year or so away (alone with my birthday, upcoming graduation and a promise of many new tattoos to come) and I'm too impatient for that. So, I want to get to Seattle as much and as frequently as possible for the music scene. I went down there for Leftover Crack with Toxic Narcotic and Millions of Dead Cops for a phenomenal show with phenomenal people. Mike, Christoph, Jonny, Rhe and myself occupied Mike's car, and we met dozens of other Vancouverites down there including Tyler, Alaina, Jess, Andrew, Braden, Zebulon, Scotty Toss, and so on. Driving down there was fun - lot's of punk rock and other good tunes on the way down, with Mike and Christoph's mohawks - unable to be accommodated by the low roof - sticking through the sun roof. Dozens of kids got drunk and sang along to acoustic guitars and the rumble of the bass as we waited for the show to start. With a good amount of Jager slurring in my belly with a solemn mash of poorly cooked fast food and bad Seattle bud, I peed in several back alleys and rocked my ass off at a good show with cheap merchandise, scoring myself a t-shirt (sort of short, I was drunk when I bought it) and some patches which I will stitch to my favorite Vancouver hoodie in due time. After the show, a good dozen of us searched with no avail for a decent hotel room. Instead, we ended up at 55 dollar a night shit box. Half or more of our group pissed off to sleep somewhere more sanitary, but at 2 in the AM I wasn't about to complain. When we pulled up to the place, the guy at the window told us there was no vacancy, but when we mentioned that the flickering neon sign stated otherwise, he told us, "Oh yea. There is one room left, but the maid forgot to clean it." Scary, eh? So, this guy knocks a couple bucks off of our fare, probably an under the table money transaction in the end. When we walk in, it's not hard to notice the smell the heater has left in the room. The beds are unmade and the brown carpet carries a sort of musk with it. There is a single armchair against the wall with a mysterious wet stain on the cushion. I fear flipping it over, in case I find a bigger or stranger one on the other side. The chair at the desk is crusted with brown goo and there is a bloodstain on the bathroom floor. The toilet seat has been left up, the bathroom tap is dripping. There's a strange hatch in the wall that leads in about three feet to a broken screen and a chain link fence in what I assume is that back of the motel. It scares me so I shut it, but it has not lock. The TV remote doesn't work, but the TV does. The tenants of the Rapist Inn include myself, Christoph, Jonny and Mike - the contents of our car, minus Rhe, who was disgusted (with good reason). We went for Jack in Box at 3am, driving around for a good chunk of time before we found one, ate our greasy American fast food, and passed out with the two broken single beds smushed together. I didn't want to sleep on the rank floor, so I slept on the crack of the two beds, falling through, with Mike and Christoph to one side of me, Jonny to the other, surrounded by a chorus of different snores on all sides. I was the last to fall asleep, first to wake up. In the morning, we took our time, smoked our bunk Seattle weed, and made for the Sci-Fi and Rock and Roll History museums which was a grand ole time. I enjoyed my trip quite thoroughly and found myself unfortunately home by 8 the next night, only to come face to face with the same argument I left with.
Which leads me to my next topic - arguments.
They are the most foul, yet unavoidable thing in the world sometimes. I hate arguing. Especially with people I care about, which is why this topic is going to be extremely vague and jump all over the place, because I never know what to say anymore. I love Jeremie. I love being with Jeremie. Life has been kind of strenuous lately with me going to school and working part time and doing my own thing as well as with him working full time and having things to do, himself. I think we're very similar people who have similar goals and similar things to strive towards. He has brought to my attention more than I usually acknowledge that yes, we are in fact, in different places in our lives. Where we differ is that I'm constantly thinking about my future. I look forward to it with excitement and I envision it in an idealistic sense, not in a realistic one. I don't have a plan but I have a vision. He thinks only about the present. We are both in a state of waiting. I'm waiting for that transition between now and then. I'm constantly in need of change. I get bored very easily. I don't want to keep getting bored of aspects of my life, and I also hate routine. Those last few lines aren't in reference to Jeremie or my relationship with him. They are purely in reference to myself and my frustration with myself. I don't know what it is I'm waiting for to change. I don't know what it is I want to change. I feel very strange lately. Strange, emotionally drained, argumentative, sexually frustrated, etc., etc. etc. I don't know where everything took this shift, but I don't like it very much and I'm waiting for this period, this phase to end so I can get on with it and find myself in a happier position in my life. I don't really know what to think or do right now so I'm taking things in stride.
I think that's about enough for today.
KDMG.
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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
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I didn't sleep on my trampoline once this summer.
And that's how I feel.
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Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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You, you try, you try to get by, you’re never going to pull it off, you shouldn't even try. You're a wet cigarette, you’re always second best, they're never going to give a shit about anybody but themselves. You fight for them to realize, there's more to life, there's more to you, there's more than meets the eye. And when you're done, the battle's been won, you sit back, you smile, And this is what you hum, you hum, Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh. 12341234 Years go by, the time it does fly, Every single second is a moment in time, that passes oh so quick, and it seems like nothing, but when you're looking back, well it amounts to everything, (Whoa) I've got myself, I've got my friends, I've got my little family, but that's not where it ends, This one goes out to you, it goes out to everyone, It's in the name of honesty because life has just begun. Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh. 12341234 Look around little brother can you tell me what you see? You're a big boy now, so take responsibility, you never had it hard, but now it's getting tough, so you whine, whine, whine and you say you've had enough. You say I'm full of shit, that I'm a hypocrite I shouldn't talk when I can't take the advice that I give, Well maybe you're right, but open your eyes: the main difference here is that I try, try try
Summer is almost over.
I have just over a week left, but, honestly I'm sort of looking forward to it being over.
I've spent this summer going to shows (Warped Tour, Lamb of God with Behemoth and Three Inches of Blood, MSI, Slightly Stoopid with Ozomatli, and Glove & Special Sauce, NinjaSpy and other locals), smoking weed, having sex, longboarding, and embracing general laziness. But, I'm excited to go back to school.
I'm taking all courses I want to be in - AP English honors, AP Literate, student aide for Writing, Geography, Comparitive Civilizations, Art Foundations, and Media. The only class there I'm even on the fence about is Geography, and I enjoyed it last year on some level, so it won't be too bad.
The weather will be cooler and I'll have somewhere to be evry morning, so I can take my boots and all my other shoes out of the closet again. Shoes are truly god's greatest gift to (wo)man. I can wear my dresses and skirts and stuff all the time.
It's my graduating year! I'm going to apply myself the hardest I can and be proud of myself for my graduating year. I'm excited for grad itself, too!
I had an interview at Home Restaraunt today to be a hostess! My piercings are all acceptable (bridge is questionable but likely to be accepted with smaller beads) and my hair is fine, too. I would make 9 bucks and hour, plus tips, which average between a dollar to a dollar fifty an hour more. I'm stoked, so I might have a new job in the new schoolyear as well.
This summer, I'm proud of myself for surviving with a strong relationship still in tact. None of my relationships ever seem to survive summer without taking significant damage, but this one did it. Jeremie is 110% perfect for me at this point in my life. I don't know what the future holds, but at this given time, he fits with me like jigsaw puzzle pieces; not without flaw, but such a good fit. He's a keeper. And, when school starts, it'll be good because I'll be seeing a little less of him, and I'll have other parts of my life to focus more on so we'll give eachother some space. There's a good chance he might stay at my house for three weeks or more while his parents renovate. It could be pretty fun, and I can't see us clashing too badly seeing as I go to school and work, he goes to work and band practices and we both have other things to do, so it'd be nice.
I've made new, rethought and strengthened friendships this summer. Tina and I spent a lot of time together this summer. I got to know Jeremie's friends like Dan, Brandon and Johnny a lot better, and enjoy them thoroughly. Christoph's kicking around still. Me and Alley have been chillin a bunch. Megan and I spent a chunk of time together, but her car has been parked outside of NIck's house overnight several times this week and it's hard not to raise an eyebrow at that. At work, I've had a bunch of fun with Josephene and am completely smitten with the charming Britney and Shayla. I hope to see everyone even after I quit. Hailee's really been there for me this past while. I miss Jess and Lish and Brit, but I've at least managed to see them a couple of times which is refreshing. Teshia's been around a bit too. Friendships are rad.
Speaking of Teshia - she's fucking taking me to Disneyland for my birthday/grad! Expenses all paid except food and spending money. I'm stoked beyond stoked. CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA. I don't care if I don't get to longboard in the sun and lounge on the beach, and listen to ska until my head explodes, and smoke two joint in time of peace and two in time of war.... but I get to go to Disneyland and Universal Studios, so who the fuck cares for now?! I'll get back there and do those things later.
By the end of this Summer I'll have accomplished the following, if all goes according to plan;
$1000 put away towards Blanche Macdonald.
$50 put away towards Disneyland spending money.
At least have studied for my 'L'.
Lost a tiny bit of fatty thigh from longboarding.
Have a new job.
I'm excited, honestly. Really, quite excited.
So much random crap has happened that I haven't written about, but I promise myself I'll write more when I'm in school.
Kurra Dawn.
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Friday, August 10th, 2007
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EPIC.
That's all I'm going to say.
I think that's all I have to say.
I don't think I've ever been more in love with a band in my entire life.
Going across the border to Seattle lead me to several conclusions.
One: There is a reason why Americans are obese. There convenience stores sell candy and chocolate and bottles of beverages that are almost twice the size of what we have here, at the same cost. And they have delicious looking candy I have never heard of. Also, while I was trying to select a flavor of Jones Soda in the ridiculously over large bloated bottles it's sold in, I noticed the cooler full of beer and other liquor at the Shell Gas Station I was in. Also, later, at Jack in the Box, I discovered that their burgers are massive, and their Medium size drink is the same size as our large, and there large looks like a Big Gulp Slurpee cup. Thus, Americans are obese.
Two: As soon as you cross the border, everything just feels different. I mean, it's not like an exotic locale or anything... it's just full of free ways and tons of roads and five lane highways, and big cement walls blocking the sides of the road. It's really quite disgusting.
Three: My life will never resume normality after having been blessed by the awesome that is Ozomatli and Slightly Stoopid. I've never been more in love in my life. Ozomatli had so many different talented musicians on stage that each played more than one instrument. Some of them were obscure instruments that I had never even seen or heard before, but, god, they made me want to dance. Even after their set, they came down into the crowd with yet more instruments and made a drum circle right at our feet before conga-ing outta there. It was amazing, and their band sounded so rich and full. And then.... THEN, there's Slightly Stoopid. Gods among men. They sound identical to how they do recorded. The most beautiful band in the world, and as soon as I heard the first few chords of 'Officer', I started to tingle, and just melt and sway. Sweetest sound in the universe to my eager ears. I had an amazing day.
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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That was the weirdest thing in the world. I had this song stuck in my head that we always play at Value Village, so I typed the lyrics into google, and the song it came up with was the same song that Hailee just mentioned the name of (the name I didn't know) in her journal I was reading. Fucked up....
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
I've been having the most irrational mood swings. I know I could control them if I willed myself to, but at this point in time I'm losing that thread that keeps me connected with self control and rational thought.
It's summer again.
Summer is a time of drastic decisions. Not to all people, but to me. Something big has always happened to me in the Summer. It affects me as it would anyone else, except that this is the time of year I feel most trapped and most in need of a desperate change. Summer has been the time I had the most close group of friends anyone could ask for. The time I met Kyle. The time I met Nick, and the time I pursued life after Nick. Summer was Zach. Summer was JP. Summer was physical and mental change, stress, trauma, revelation, hope, love, confusion.
I was really hoping to have a normal summer without feeling lost or wanting something more.
When I wake up in the morning, to an empty bed, and I have no where to be, I force myself to sleep later so that I don't have to get up and be restless. Some days I have to work. I, again, force myself to sleep in. I shower. I wander aimlessly around my house. I'm actually excited to go to work because it gives me a purpose to my day. I don't miss school already, I just miss having something to do.
I need to surround myself with more people, the people I care about. I need to rebuild, strengthen, and make new friendships. Though Jeremie and I are fine, I want to see more people aside from him. Other people offer me things he can't. Example; Hailee stayed at my house for the first time in ages a little while ago. I was faced with a half dozen revelations and musings while she sat and read a magazine and I wrote quietly to myself in my Vincent Van Gogh gold embossed journal, with my purple sparkling gel pen until it was nearly out of ink.
I'm tired of waiting for things. I wait for my alarm, I wait for my water for my tea, I wait for the bus, I wait for that one phone call that always makes or breaks my day, I wait for that one message I've been craving for so long that it hurts inside, I'm waiting for the inevitable, waiting for the beginning, waiting for the end, waiting for the second coming of a god I'm waiting to find out exists or not. I'm waiting to grow up, waiting to go to school, waiting to make mistakes, waiting to let go of my apprehension, waiting to appreciated, waiting to be found, waiting to get lost, waiting for the day I finally break a bone, a heart, a mind, an expensive vase. Every day we wait and we waste. We wait and we waste our lives waiting. Waiting is not something I want to keep doing.
I had a damn near panic attack last night. I skated home so fast I thought I burst a lung. I don't even know why, but no matter what I did I could not calm myself down. I was thinking about so many things so fast, and longing, and wanting and wondering and questioning and asking why everything is so different all the time.
The last time I did something to completely free myself, I flung myself independent of the only person I spent my days with for nine months straight, and broke up with Nicholas to pursue and find a life where I didn't know what was around the corner, where there finally wasn't someone ready to catch me if I fell. I wanted to fling myself off a mountain just to see what would happen. And what did happen?
Moments of regret, sorrow and anguish, and then.... utter at home chaos, but a luxurious freedom of not being responsible for anyone but myself. I could go out at any hour, on a whim, with whomever to do whatever. And in doing so, I found JP. And then, like the parasite I am, I leeched on to him.
I hadn't pursued someone like that since Nicholas. And I haven't pursued anyone since. I don't mean pursuit in the ways of "ohmahgahdiwantyousobadhavemybabies!" I was just so curious and needed to know about this strange awkward, tattooed shut-in and why he thought I was this most ridiculously absurd unworthy person.
I can't think of anyone else in this world who I added to MSN by hunting down their email through other people. No one else who's phone number I've ever gotten who I've called incessantly until they've agreed to hang out with me. I bent over backward through a flaming hoola hoop on roller skates to earn that kid's friendship, and it was even harder to maintain it, especially in the fact that I had to prove I wasn't looking to bone him and be thrown away like a half dozen other girls who had come and gone. I don't know what my motivation was, but I felt like I had to make an impression on this person's life, and they had to be part of mine. Mysterious people intrigue me, and I haven't had the motivation to integrate myself into any one else's world in the same way since JP... but it wasn't a lost cause. In my rush of anxiety yesterday, I finally sent him a message online, and I have little hope he'll respond, but I had to. So many people tell me he asks about me. And he's ingrained into my head. It happened again today that I stated some sarcastic remark and Brandon said that sometimes I sound creepily like JP. It's not the first time I've been told that. I guess cynicism is contagious.
I'm on the fence over whether I want to go to Blanche Macdonald and learn makeup and get a job and live in the heart of the city, or pack it all up and run away to some rural town in Australia and start a new life with a new name and a new past and play the alias game until someone figures it out and then I'll pack up and leave again.
I could do it.
I have little to no connection with many people any more, which is why i really have to reinforce some of my fading friendships. But these people who I never call - they never call me either... so is it even worth the time?
But that's so childish.
And I have been so childish lately. So so childish. And at the same time, I'm only grabbing the reigns as the lure of independence rears it's tempting head. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm not going to talk to any of the people I talk to regularly for a week, and just run away to see some distant or not-often-around friend's house for a whole seven days and not tell a soul, not answer any phones, not go online. I think I'm going to do it, eventually. Maybe sooner than later.
I'm so scatterbrained it's ridiculous. It could be too much sun, too much.... something, and not enough of a lot of other things.
I think envy has become the disease of the 21st century.
No one ever wants to be outside the loop.
I don't have a loop.
I have a line.
And there's like... maybe 5 points on it.
I need more people to hold my hands, and make a loop. A loop that stretches to the beach, to concerts, to road trips, to movies, to dinner, to other countries. The only catch is, we all have to switch places every once in a while so you're standing with a different section of the loop, and you catch a different view of your surroundings. I think I've been standing in my part of the loop for a little too long and I need a change of scenery pretty desperately.
I hate how one person always manages to make themselves the focus of my life. I don't want/need/have any desire to have a single person as the focus of my life. The happiest times in my life are when I have a group of people to focus on, because it adds variety and keeps me from getting stuck to the bottom of the frying pan from sitting too long on the burner. Flip me over, this side is done! Another catch; I need a group of reliable people who I actually talk to outside a group situation. The sad thing about groups of friends is that usually you're only friends with one or two people outside of the group. And people have to learn to keep their knives out of each other's backs.
My mind is too full of crap to continue.
I need to play Heroes of Might and Magic to regain my mental sanity. Alas, I have to work in the morning, and go to bed now.
To conclude; I'm just flustered and need something to focus some energy on and look forward to. I've really been enjoying my summer, I just need to experience a little more to be satisfied. Lalalala....
Kara.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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I feel.... so awkward.
I had a series of really terrible dreams. I don't even remember really what any of them were about, but I know they fucked with my head a fair amount.
It's 10:30 now, and I've been trying to make myself feel normal since I woke up an hour ago. I didn't feel like jumping out of bed and showering like I do every morning, so I wrapped myself in a housecoat and slippers, and went and made myself a cup of vanilla red tea with soy, some eggs and a piece of toast.
There's no one in my house.
I mean, there is, and there's evidence that there is but it FEELS like no one is in my house. Almost as if my family was murdered and you can tell they were alive 10 minutes ago. I walked into the kitchen and it smelt faintly like someone had made themselves breakfast not that long ago. Walked into the bathroom, and someone had left the tap dripping. I made my breakfast and went and sat in my bed, and my room is so dark and even opening the curtains didn't let much light in cause it's raining so hard. I tried to watch TV, but there's nothing on (damn daytime television) and I just felt even more awkward.
For some reason, I feel like I don't remember the last week of my life, and like I haven't had human contact in ages. This isn't true, because if I really think about it, this last week was great, and Jeremie was at my house yesterday.
Fuck....
I just feel so strange.
But it's this ridiculous feeling of Deja Vu....
I don't know what to do with myself.
I actually can't wait to go to work. Maybe when surrounded by hundreds of screaming people looking for 50% off already cheap Value Village clothes will bring me back to my senses.
Somebody call me and make me feel less like a zombie, please and thankyou.
Kurradawn.
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Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Exams or not.... summer is fucking here.
In my three days off....
friday;; Absinthe tea party with Emily and Christoph. Departure: 1:30am
saturday;; Trav's birthday, 80's theme party at Joe's. Departure: 12:45am
sunday;; See Jeremie, run into Rory, go to Jay's, smoke a bowl. Departure: 11:45pm
You've got to admit, it's getting better than my, "Ughhh, I'm so burnt and I have to work/go to school in the morning..." home-by-10 attitude. It'll begin again! After exams are finished, especially. Three days of moderate inhebriation in a row dictates that this is going to be a summer of parties. Parties and music. PARTIES AND MUSIC, GODDAMN!
I'm going to Lamb of God, Warped Tour, Slightly Stoopid (thankee Christoph! Pay you soon, fingers crossed for a ride), Cannibal Corpse/Black Dahlia Murder, Ska Fest (fingers crossed), and more Vancouver dive shows than I can count. Always taking up ass room in the Reject Van, or hopefully going to see the Furios. Mmmm.... and it's gonna be grand. I'm so stoked it hurts. So many birthdays! So many barbeques! So many bonfires! Music and parties and music and parties and music and parties and music.
God I need sleep.
Nightyyyy night.
Kuraddawwnnn.
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A good impression of myself Not much to conceal I'm saying nothing But I'm saying nothing with feel
I simply am not here No way I Shut up, be happy Stop whining please And because of who we are
We react in mock surprise
The curse of "there must be more"
So don't breathe here
Don't leave your bags
I simply am not here No way I Shut up, be happy Stop whining please The dust in my soul makes me feel the weight in my legs My head in the clouds and I'm zoning out I'm watching TV but I find it hard to stay conscious I'm totally bored but I can't switch off Only apathy from the pills in me It's all in me, all in you Electricity from the pills in me It's all in me, all in you Only MTV and cod philosophy We're lost in the mall shuffling through the stores like zombies What is the point, what can money buy My hand's on a gun and I find the rage, God tempts me What did you say? Think I'm passing out
It's finally done. Fuck yes. Well, I mean, I still have a year to go, but for now, I'm done. School, except for another tutorial and then my exam, is essentially over. This year was a struggle. I mean, it started with me walking up to MRSS the first day only to find my best friend had been mauled by a car. To me, The stretch of January to December doesn't count as shit for a year. To me, the year goes September to June, and that's how it'll be until I graduate. And this year, I got a new job that was stressful in the beginning. I watched my friend get hauled off an an ambulance after getting hit by a car. I fell for my best friend and eventually lost him. I let my inhebitions die for a few months which ultimately resulted in me meeting a lot of new people, some of which will effect me for the rest of my life. I did some pyschadelic drugs that made me rethink my health, and now I eat better and take care of myself. I met someone new and wonderful who's shared almost the last half a year of my life. I got a tattoo, some new piercings, and hacked off my hair. I really feel like this summer is one of growth.
I want to work towards my education and put some money away in savings. It's a little late, but I can do it. I applied somewhere that pays less and is further, but is of more interest to me than Value Village (fingers crossed). I want to experience a little taste of everything this summer. Maybe I can balance both jobs.
Having experienced our first few spats, I realize even more now Jeremie's value to me, and I think he could be a consistent staple in my life for a very long time. As long as we maintain good communication, arguments will be relatively nonexistant and I can hear his wonderful voice every day for what I hope will be a big chunk of time. He's very controlled, down to earth, passive and aims to resolve conflict in a calm mannerism as soon as it starts. I am a bull-headed Taurus who's temper flares at random intervals.... so someone who's patient like Jeremie is good for me. I can't stay mad about anything. I just get so angry that I want him to hug me. So, I guess I can't really be that angry.
I don't want to live a life for something else. For school or work or anything like that.... I want to live it for me. Cause there isn't more. There's what you've got, and what you make of yourself. And that's the last word.
Kara Dawn.
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And so another journey has come to an end Another moment passed that will not, will not come again Resting in the shade of oak so it has always been And it's true that I miss you, but I'll see you again I'll see you again Embrace, destroy this pain Don't miss this chance It will not come again You mean more than you may ever know Don't linger where the moss slowly grows There are so many things I wish I could have said They might not have changed your mind But sometimes we just need oval edge Above the mountain's shadow, the sunset dimly glows The oaks will look down on our heads, forever, and dreams will be no more We should not ever let them go Embrace, destroy this pain Don't miss this chance It will not come again You mean more than you may ever know Don't linger where the moss slowly grows I remember those summers, stretched on without end Future comes on loudly and the oaks, the oaks were silent then Silence forever, conversations in my head Might not have changed your mind But if we'd spoken, here's what I'd have said Here's what I would have said Embrace, destroy this pain Don't miss this chance It will not come again You mean more than you may ever know Don't linger where the moss slowly grows So. Yesterday I was on the bus, coming back from the beach. I had been complaining all day about the severe lack of body modifcation at White Pine, and I was longing for some tattoos or piercings to cross my vision. Looking out the window of the bus, I saw a tattoo'd arm sticking out a car window, and a ridiculous familiarity and pain struck me. Not five feet away, but behind a sheet of glass was JP. It hurt, a lot, to see him. Where normally I would have smacked myself against the bus to get his attention, I sat quietly, contemplatively, missing him.
He's been haunting me. Only the day before, I was listening to music in my room with Jeremie, and he kept putting on songs that JP sent me. I was smiling, and I pointed this out to Jeremie and I said that JP always surprised me with his musical tastes. Then, still smiling, I said that if he ever decides to talk to me again, I'll be waiting. It was crushing to hear Jeremie say, "Don't get your hopes up." My eyes watered up and I was so hurt. But I know Jeremie meant not to keep on the edge of my seat hoping cause he wouldn't want to see me disappointed.
But this morning, I went on to my computer, and right there on Nexopia, was a message from him. I almost had a heart attack. It was Deja Vu... Nick had sent me a message a long while back when I never thought he'd talk to me again, either. But I don't want it to turn out the same - after I spent hours thinking of what to say to Nick, he never responded again. But this has to be different, cause JP is one of the most important people in the entire world to me, and I love him more than life itself. I can't fuck this up. I haven't responded yet. I don't know how. All the message said was, "So, are you done being dumb?"
I don't know what that means. Am I done drinking? Am I done smoking weed? Am I done with Jeremie? Am I done with what? I don't know how to respond, cause I don't know what I did to deserve losing him in the first place. And I don't know what made him send me this message at all. Clearly he wants to talk to me, but was his not talking to me just to teach me a lesson until he thought I'd learned? I don't want to be dicked with, but I want him in my life. To this day I still haven't stopped calling him my best friend. I always want to call him and invite him to movies, or to outtings in general, or on my break at work, but I've fought the urge. I miss him, I really do, but it's only gonna hurt ten times as bad if we become friends again and he decides only a few weeks or months later that he's sick of me again. I don't want a vicious circle, I just want JP back. He's infectious, and I miss him. If anyone ever bad mouths him all I feel is rage, and I'm the first to jump to his defense. They're not allowed to say shit - they don't know shit, so they can't say it. Even the assholes who have said "If he could just stop talking to you like that then he doesn't deserve to be your friend" get no recognition from me. They don't know JP and they don't know his motives. All they see is how hurt I am and they think it's a comfort to me to badmouth the person who hurt me. But I am not one of those preppy fifteen year old girls who gets over a breakup by bashing someone they used to care about and then sleeping with all of his friends. There will never come the day when I drag JP's name through the dirt. He doesn't do what he does cause he is angry, sad, jealous or confused, he does what he does because he's just JP, and for no other reason. He can be a bit fucked up, but so can I, and that fits nicely as far as I'm concerned.
I have so much to tell him...
I can't wait to see him again, if that's what he wants.
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"I'm gonna hold on to you as long as I can,
and if you choose to leave me, girl, I'll understand."
I am so ridiculously infatuated with Tim Armstrong's solo project. Sometimes in Rancid he sounded sort of like he had down syndrome, but, you know, I think he's improved upon that. He's got a sexy voice. <3
I almost want to smack myself for listening to more and more punk icons lately, but it's infectious when you're surrounded by suburban punks. I still stand by what I said when I stated that anarchy is a terrible idea, being anti-government won't get you anywhere, and patching up perfectly good clothing is somewhat retarded, but punks aren't so bad. And upbeat punk music is happy, and about unity and staying together and friendship. That's a good way to be.
Anyway.... school is almost out, finally. The last official day is June 19th, but after the 12th it's just double blocks, most of which I don't have to attend cause they have no exam prep. I'm so excited to be free. Except I'll still have to go to work, but.... oh well. Whatever. Work is not school. And if work sucks that bad, I'll just quit, I guess.
Once Summer comes, I'll have more and more days like my weekend. Essentially I have spent the last few sundays sitting in bed alllllll day, being naked, and listening to tunes. I'm definately down for three rounds of sex, a whopping pile of making out, and some lovely other things on top of that. All. Day. Long. And you know.... that's not a bad lifestyle at all. I adore Jeremie, and I'm stoked on spending my summer with him.
"Let's get movin' into action,
If your life's too slow, no satisfaction,
find somethin' out there, there's an attraction,
If you hesitate now, that's a subtraction
So let's get movin' into action."
Summer is gonna be rad times. It's gonna be drunk times. It's gonna be high times. It's gonna be naked times. It's gonna be swimming times. It's gonna be tanning times. It's gonna be skating times. It's gonna be music times. It's gonna be fucking sweet.
Karadawn.
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I don't write poetry nearly as often as I used to. But some things in life inspire me, and teaching grade 8's poetry from a different perspective is one of them. Ms. Clarke is the most inspirational woman in the entire world, and she thinks that as a strong female role model, with compassion, light heartedness and a sense of humor, I could be a brilliant teacher of anything I choose. She's been trying to encourage me all year to teach, and next year I'm student aiding for her Writing 12 class as a student-teacher. Meaning I get to actually instruct classes, not just help out. Whew.
Yea. These poems are about people. I'll give you two guesses, but I'll bet you get it in less than one.
bookmark She walks through life On awkward stilts Always looking behind And wondering why she let the pages close On the best book she’s ever read She’ll pick the scabs on her knobbly knees Until they bleed And sift through those pages Again and again But she’ll never find her place She forgot to highlight Quotes that made her smile Put post-its on Lines that made her cry She didn’t remember to Look up the words she didn’t understand She lost her bookmark Somewhere in her experiences
She can’t bring herself to Start a new chapter When she just let the last one close
phantom limb You cut me off But I’ll bet you still feel me Pulsing at the tips of your phantom fingers Without your hands You can’t rid yourself Of the cross burdening your shoulders Without me At the end of your wrist Balled in a fist Fighting your disease You contemplate wistfully How to replace the part of you that’s missing But you just can’t keep your Detached fingers On ice Until you deem them useful again The blood will stop flowing The severed nerves will die You’ll begin to wonder why on earth You cut off your fingers in the first place If you ever manage To find some other digits Willing to lend a hand I think you’ll find Your prints won’t look quite the same You cut me off But I can still feel you Pulsing though my phantom self
Kurra Dawn.
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Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
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I have had the strangest morning.
I had a dream last night, that was more or less about all of my ex boyfriends deciding they wanted to be friends/lovers again and I was all, "Uhm... no."
I don't remember it too clearly but there was something about Nick going 4x4ing, and deciding on a whim to stop by my house (I live next door to him...?) but Kyle had come for a visit and he was sitting on my bed talking to me about this, that and the other. There was a bunch of "But, Kara, I haven't been with anyone since you, blahblahblah." from various people, and instead of being flattered I was just weirded out. Then I went to Tim Horton's and Zach gave me free food and asked me to hang out, and the three of them all got into a big fight about who I was supposed to hang out with. Then one of them (I think it was Kyle) was like, "Who's that other guy you keep spending so much time with?" And I was like... "You mean Jeremie?" And they all got really jealous. End of dream. It was very awkward. Sometimes it's nice that these people don't come around anymore.
And then at lunch Kyle came strutting into Ridge, haircut and all. And I was just like... W-T-F, MATE. It was the weirdest sensation to just have had an awkward dream about someone when only hours later they're standing in your cafeteria. I went over him to say hi, to be polite. He cut off his shaggy curls, put on a bit of weight. Probably still doesn't wear underwear. Same pants as he ever had, no belt. The world seems to have worn away anything I ever found unique about him, which is sad. Religion crushed his spiritual beliefs, and looking at him makes me wonder how I was ever, ever in a relationship with him for a year. And I have no idea how I slept with him. When I look at him, sex is the furthest thing in the entire world from my mind. And yet, he was my first love, and I lost my virginity to him. But I guess we're both very different now. I could see him trying not to look at me with my purple and black cyberlocks, blue hair, fushcia makeup, tiny pink corset and boots. But he was friendly, and conversation was smooth. I have no hard feelings, I just don't have any common interests with him to ever be his friend. I'd die of boredom.
On another note. I just want to quit Value Village. I don't know if I will but I'm definately thinking about it.
I am the only part time employee who is under twenty who ever works friday or saturday.
I usually only work weekends, and never get shifts during the week.
When I ask for shifts during the week instead, I get shifts all week AND on the weekends.
I don't get the hours I want, and I have to spew lies out my ass in order to get a day off.
I just want three, maybe four shifts a week, and a weekend off every once in a while.
As a student, and as a teenager, is that really so much to ask? No. No it's not.
Now I have to go do fat wads of Science, Socials, English and Math to scrape my way through the last leg of the school year. 26 days until June 19th, the last day of school. Thank. Fucking. God.
Kara.
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So the weekend is over.
My birthday, though not what I expected, was still very fun.
People came in waves. When one group left, another arrived, so there was never more than 25 or so people at a time. A good group of people showed up, and there was only one face I didn't recognize towards the end of the day, but he came and introduced himself, shook my hand and gave me a cherry cigar for my birthday, so I let him stay. At least he had the manners to say hi to the person who's house he was at.
People gave me everything fishbone related. It's ridiculous. Fishbone related or to do with drugs. [Drugs that I don't do, even!]
I got a black and white polka dotted fishbone pipe from Jeremie that he designed and had made for me. <3
I got a card from Jordan with fish on it, that he drew little fishbones on with blue pen.
I got a spiderman mug filled with little shark gummies from Cody as well as a giant rainbow dish of candy.
I got hand-crafted paper from Nepal from Hailee, as well as a Columbian necklace. Lime green!
From various people I somehow accumulated weed, shrooms, acid, cigars and beer.... (I don't drink beer... I don't do acid... and the cigar smoking I do is minimal....)
I also got ten bucks which I bought myself dinner with.
Fishbone earrings and a keychain from mommy dearest.
Cheesecake brownies from Crystal!
Cupcakes from AJ and Alysha.
A sunburn...
I'm still waiting patiently for my [apparently] highly illegal present from Christoph. I'm super excited, and I really don't have the patience. Haha. I'm stoked.
My birthday was pretty cool.
Oh yea! Tina brought me a bubble machine! That was facking awesome!
I've got pictures and stuff that I'll upload at a later date.
In other news. I have pretty much no money. Or at least I won't after this wednesday. I forgot to put out a tin for change for my tattoo fund at my birthday, so now I have to spend my last 70 bucks (plus tip) on that, another 20 for my corset that I had taken in, and an additional 45 to pay my art teacher. On top of that, my work totally shafted me for hours this week, giving me about 10 hours this week. which will not pan out well for my paycheque. Sigh. I have to lock up my debit card for about three weeks, I think.
Anyone wanna help me pay for my tattoo?
Or give me twenty bucks for hair dye?
Hahaha. I can dream.
I'm also going to cut back on my intake of weed for the next while. I have a cold, and it's not going to help me breathe any better. Besides, if I smoke too much, then by the end of the day I'm just groggy and grumpy and wanting to sleep. So once what I have is gone, I'm taking a wee break. On top of that, it's harder to longboard stoned, and I'd rather longboard properly then not at all cause I'm baked.
Kurradawn.
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That's that.
Day one of my rock awesome weekend is down for the count.
Met up with my lovely after school, skated home, ate some mac n' cheese, smoked a joint, went skating with Christoph. My darling Jeremie went to Surrey (For my present, apparently, which is very sweet of him) and Christoph and I hopped a bus to 224th. We went to the 5G's restaraunt, and even though we had reservations, the stupid woman couldn't handle us. So, we went to Bobby Sox. There was a fat group of us. Me, Sage, Willie, Christoph, Alysha, Sam, Nikki, Mikey, Sean, Alley, Frankie, Joel, Jesse, Cam, Fat Dan, Megan, Matt, Thom, Morgan, Serena, Rory, Mary, Brittany, and I'm sure there were some other people there, too. Christoph bought me my birthday dinner which was super sweet of him. We were gonna dine and dash but then too many people hopped on that gravy train and I thought it'd be a little too sketchy. So me, Sam, and Christoph stopped by my house and went down to Harry Hooge to meet up with people. Mostly everyone left so we just chilled for a bit, and now I'm home! Lookit me go. I did everything I wanted to today. Skated, blazed, saw Jeremie, ate food, saw my rad ass fucking friends, and went home. And I'm even wearing a poncho!
I think the funniest part of the night was the amount of confusion I experienced upon realizing Christoph went zooming down a hill on his skate with my cat in his arms. I made him skate her home, but I was giggling.
Kara-StillNotLegal-Dawn.
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Having just read my fat wad of comment from Christoph, I have a big fat smile on my face. Thankyou, dude, you rock my fucking socks off. Out of everyone saying things like "He'll come around" I've had few helpful comments. Yours is one of them. And definately the longest. The best else I've seen so far is "Friends don't do that, and you never deserve to be treated that way". That's also good, but, Christoph, I don't think anyone has ever taken the time to write out a giant paragraph telling me I'm awesome, and also explaining to me how to watch my own back, and what I say.
When I said I'd drop everything in my life to have JP back, I'm not sure I really meant it that way. Maybe I did, you know, being crushed and hurt and all. But, I think what I really mean is that I would do whatever he asked for to have him back as long as it didn't jeopardize my happiness. I love JP, I really do, but throughout our friendship, I was always wondering if it was one sided. I know he cared, that doesn't need to be explained to me, but at the same time, I gave more than he did. I threw all my pennies onto his side of the scale so to speak, and eventually we sort of got out of balance.
I have a lot going for me, and it really hurts that I can't share my rich life with someone I really care about, because they don't want to share in it.
I think everything comes full circle, but I don't know if I'll still be there when he up and decides he misses me. I know I've always wanted someone to come to the realization that I'm too cool to let go of (hahaha) but I think if it actually happened, I'd have to stop to think.
One day, I'll walk away and say "You fucking disappoint me." Maybe you're better off this way.
I forgot that there were negative songs I associated with him too.
Oh well.
But, yea. Thanks, Christoph. I know we've had some pretty low lows, but you're a sweetie. I'm glad to know that after all is said and done you're still there for me, and that you still care, cause I do, too. No one likes losing friends.
In other news...
birthdaybirthdaybirthdaybirthday. lovelovelovelove. barbequebarbequebarbequebarbeque.
I'm so excited it hurts.
There's like... two parties a day, all weekend.
I'm going to be the most happiest person in the world who died of exhaustion.
PS; I faux hawked my hair today, and have been referred to as a shark atleast nine times in the past few hours. I think I have to wash my hair before the name "Sharka" (a clever play on my name, with the letters mixed around and the addition of 'sh') sticks. Thanks Lish. You're a stinker.
Kurrabean.
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I haven't had the motivation to write anything in ages. In fact, I straight up hates computers. They are the bringers of bad news at night time just before you go to sleep, and they make you want to smack your head on things for ever going on them in the first place. On the other hand, they are the bringers of information, fun conversations, and awesome-ness in general.
All I'm going to say about the rally at the art gallery on 4:20 is, I really don't like when my friends have bad trips and like... seizures. But what can you do? I had a good time.
I've been hanging out with a lot of people I never hang out with. Which is weird, but really fucking cool.
Hailee and Cody came for a visit, and much love to them, cause, you know, well... I love them! We went and played at a park and it was good times.
I hung out with Sara during our free block and we talked about life the universe and everything. It was grand.
Another free block, I went out for lunch with Amy, and when we came back, we stopped to smoke a few bowls with Kaitlyn and Sadie who are also my little loves whome I adore.
My darling Alley Pearson and I went for a skate and had mucho fun, but I was sad I didn't get to spend more time with her.
I've been hanging out with Christoph again which is pretty rock-awesome, but our schedules always seem to conflict which is a touch lame. But we're gonna skank it up at Slightly Stoopid in August. Or atleast we better.
I went to Kirstie's brithday and for the time I was there I spent it chilling with Jess and Lauren. I miss Jess. She's my little rainbow love muffin. And I've just recently met Lauren, but she's cool beans.
I went longboarding with Rogan today, which was sweet. I learned a few new things and had a really pleasent conversation.
On another note, which is completely and utterly devastating, JP no longer will have any contact with me. He even deleted me off of his Nex list. I cried my eyes out. It just goes back to how much it sucks that you can love someone with every fibre of your being for a solid year, and preach to high heavens about how they're your best friend, and how they practically saved your life, and how special they are to you, and then you get a boyfriend who they used to be friends with and they hate you both. Well, JP. I love you. With all my heart. I've loved you since day one when you were an angry sleeping carcass on the dirty cement floor of Trav's basement at 3am. I've spent countless hours with you, making fun of eachother or curled up within a hair's breadth of eachother for hours watching gorey zombie movies or showing eachother bands we like. I love you, I love you, I love you. I don't know what went wrong in our friendship, and I really thought you'd be in my life forever. Like... take me to grad, and be my wingman when I'm at awkward get-togethers. I know that's so juvenile, but I thought everything was perfect, cause we never ruined it. We didn't let anything get in the way. But jealousy got in the way in the end I guess. If you ever want me in your life again, I'll abandon everything I'm doing to be by your side, just like I always have. That's not fair to you or me, but I know I'd do it for you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I fucking love you. I can't stress that enough. And I really thought I proved how much I cared. I didn't have to do everything for you that I did. But I did, and even though everyone said it wasn't, I still think it was worth it. But hell, you and I both know I always get attached to the people who abuse me most. I guess it's not hard to get stuck to someone when they're walking all over you every day. I love you, JP. I really, really do. I can't listen to certain songs, I can't look at certain pictures, I can't watch certain movies... nothing. Cause it hurts cause they were things that we had exclusively to our friendship.
When I was crying you never left my side. When I was dying you never left my side. You're always, always there for me.
You're my angel without wings.
(I don't think I'll ever listen to that song again without being upset)
Love you, boo. But fuck you too.
Friends don't do that shit. You could have at least said goodbye you stupid fucker.
I wrote this so long ago for you and you said it made your day and that made me smile while I was crying to you on the phone over some asshole like I usually did. I think all I ever saught was your approval, not your sympathy. I still mean every word...
Before you go and get famous…
To the one who knows me better.
The only person who will laugh,
Instead of run,
When I tell you how hard it is to sit down
After a bikini wax.
The only person who appreciates
The concentration it takes
To play Final Fantasy
And have sex at the same time.
The one who somehow knows
That vegan spooge Is less bitter.
You are the one
Who can save me from myself at 3am
When I can’t stand in circles,
Cause the floor is squishy.
You are my other half.
The one I don’t tell people about.
Not because I’m ashamed of you,
But because they’ll want you for themselves.
But, they can’t have you,
Because
God dammit
Somehow
You’re my best friend.
And it’s never mattered
How well I know you
Or don’t know you at all.
You can have your walls.
I’ll never try to tear them down.
Because, like all things In this life and the next
In time they will deteriorate
Crumble and fall.
And down the road,
Maybe we’ll get married
On the Enterprise
And I’ll learn Klingon Just for you.
And down the road,
Maybe we’ll get our freak on.
Gross, eh?
Hopefully, I’ll be sleeping If it does happen.
And down the road,
You’ll stop poking my love handles
Cause I won’t have them anymore.
I’ll be one fine piece of meat.
But that’s a maybe
Down the road.
And I don’t care about that now.
I wrote you this,
Cause I know you’d laugh
If I said it to your face.
Because compliments between us,
Are as rare
As you cooking something edible.
But, god knows I hate you
And I adore you twice as much as that.
I wish you luck.
But I don’t wish you fame.
Because fame will take you away from me.
And then I’d have no one
To unleash me teenaged angst on.
And you’re pretty much
My best friend.
I miss you. And I'll probably miss you forever until you come back.
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?
I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you. I hate losing friends. Especially ones who I love more than anything in this entire goddamn world and it gets completely disreguarded, or completely obstructed by what I think must be jealousy. JP, sweetheart, you were my world when everything else was crumbling around me. My anchor, my support, my life. Then you went away and I had to rebuild my own life. And you came back. And you thought you didn't fit. But you did fit. You still fit. You'll always fit. Forever and ever there's a place for you. I loveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou. And I don't think that'll stop any time soon.
Sighhhh.
It's my birthday in three days, but I have a whole weekend of adventures to contend with.
Friday - Ninjaspy, followed by a birthday party for Panozzo at Joel's.
Saturday - My fat, drunken barbeque, followed by a fat drunken riot of a party at Sage's.
Sunday - Give Mommy presents and then go on a crazy adventure with Jeremie.
I also have a dentist appointment on the following Tuesday. But that's irrelevent.
BUT...
What isn't irrelevent is that I booked my tattoo appointment for the 16th. WOOT.
Live it, love it, learn from it.
Everything comes full circle.
KaraDawn.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 26th, 2007
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The longest conversation I have ever had with a stranger on the internet...
And I can assure you, neither am I more metal, nor more relentless than this internet stranger. He's really into this stuff.
(The first message was correcting my spelling of the word Cannibal. I had it Cannible. Heh...)
Kara ||| Internet Stranger
Uhhuh. Cause all the metalheads I know have perfect grammar and spelling. I must have forgotten. Thanks for reminding me.
Anytime!
I'm always here for correction of spelling and grammatical errors!
Hell, Dimmu Borgir, Necrophagist, They're fucking metal, and they're got wicked titles like, "Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia," and" Pseudopathological Vivisection."
Proper linguistics are totally metal.
I don't think it has anything to do with linguistics.
I think it's that you're clearly not metal enough unless you have a name that's difficult to pronounce and probably stems from something European, or unless your logo is a splatter of entrails that no one can read on the back of a T-shirt.
The fact is, it doesn't matter, cause most of their listeners are illiterate or senseless from too much headbanging, anyway.
Only MOST listeners are! Aside from the ones who are simultaneously both musicians and listeners.
And have had enough free time to read the dictionary.
And as far as the length of the name?
That because long names are pure abominable eviscerating metal.
Which is fun.
And they confuse the fuck out of people who are clearly not metal enough, and lack the balls to crank up REAL metal, and have a Gorgasm.
First of all, I think anyone with enough free time to read the dictionary implies something entirely different and completely UNmetal.
Pick up something with a plot, or atleast a newspaper, you poor bastard.
The only time I think a band is entitled to a long name, is if the band is ranked among the most asskicking European black metal. Then they can have to most fucked up name they want, cause they probably won't speak English anyway. What ever happened to simple, grotesque names about dead things? Like Cannibal (better watch my spelling, woops...) Corpse? Or plain old blasphemy, like Lamb of God?
And you're right, I do lack the balls to crank up some real metal, but I can crank my ovaries just fine.
Ahhh, yes. At one time I was un-metal.
More like a soft rubber.
Latex, or something of the sort.
However, I then picked up something much more metal, such as a guitar.
And as far as European bands with long names go, the heavier European bands have shorter names. Scandinavian bands, such as Mayhem, plowing the way for mass destruction.
And most Norwegian bands that rape anyway speak English, regardless.
It's generally better to stick to Gore metal, as I said earlier.
Gorgasm, Gorguts, Etc.
The Gore genre is far heavier than all, as far as I care.
However, for actual technical speed and such, I'd go for the heavier Black metal bands, like Deicide.
They're fun.
And have a badass zombie priest in their music video for, "Homage For Satan."
NOTHING is more metal than a badass zombie priest.
I won't lie to you. I... am musically challenged. If I pick up a guitar, small children scream for me to put it down before they have to disembowel themselves because of how terrible it sounds.
But I know what I like to listen to, and that's metal (among other things), whether I can pronounce the band names or not. I was un-metal too (though I didn't read dictionaries) but that changed. And it all started with 80's power metal. 
I think zombie priests are pretty friggen awesome, yes, but nothing will impress me more than GWAR's performance at SotU last summer. If it's one thing I don't mind being drenched in, it's the Pope's blood, and gwar spooge.
Indeed! I was into the power metal, too. Manowar was my favorite. One of my eye-openers.
And hey. Most people scream at me to put down the guitar, too!
Except for the metalheads.
And you know what?
You are a lucky douche. I couldn't get to see Gwar.
I was fucking pissed off. Punched a baby.
But I got to see Slayer. And Bodom. And Mastodon. And Lamb of God. And... Thine Eyes Bleed. 
And I'm going to Dimmu, so it's all good.
You bastard! Bodom is.... love. Whoever says that Herman Li is a better guitarist than Alexi Laiho should be castrated. And Lamb of God is lovely... along with... SlayerandMastodonandThineEyesBleedmumblemumblemumb le. Stupid Unholy Alliance possibly not coming back to Vancouver cause we're just 'not metal enough'. Fuckers. And Dimmu just came here or is coming soon, but it isn't an all ages show and age limitations can eat my ass with a spoon.
And it's good that you punched a baby when you couldn't see them. Gwar would have wanted it that way.
In all actuality, Laiho sucked assticles on stage...
He fucked up TOO MANY times.
And as for christraping chops on the six strings, check out the solo for, "Through The Fire And Flames," by 'Force.
Other than that, I don't really care for Dragonforce.
But yeah, Laiho's a damn fine musician in the studio.
Actually, that's a good point.
Yea, I'm familiar with that song...
I just saw Dragonforce and Chimaira (with Killswitch, eww..) and they sucked my metaphorical cock live. The only thing holding my attention was the epic guitar solos, the leaps across stage in tight white pants with fans blowing their long, girlie locks of hair. Metal hair shouldn't be deep conditioned, ass-length and permed. That and the 300+ people that I was stuck in between held me pretty good.
I'd be afraid to see Bodom in case it ruined it for me.
Too true... But keep in mind, Li WAS with Demoniac. They kicked monkey testicles.
However, I've got to say... Killswitch... Only reason I stayed was because Adam was funny as fuck. And insulted the non-moshers.
And I was with a bro.
But yeah. Honestly, Seeing Bodom live DID kind of kill it for me.
But then, I saw H&H live... Megadeth opened...
That was a DAMN fine show.
fuckinggoddammit.
I missed Heaven and Hell, too. Fuck that. Whatever, Ozzy over Dio anyway. Or atleast that's what I keep telling myself to console myself over missing it.
I left when Killswitch came on, because this massive army of kids with swishy haircuts and red and black stripey wrist bands seemed to come out of nowhere, and I didn't want to be there when anyone started crying and spilling emo everywhere.
Haha!
Dio totally kicks Ozzy's ass!
It was a show worth remembering.
And getting both a shirt, and bandanna.
Because I'm cool like that.
I've been arguing with everyone I know who went to H&H about Dio vs. Ozzy for months, and I swear this argument is getting old. Heaven and Hell wouldn't be what it was without Ozzy being around first. And whoever heard of Rainbow anyway? No one, that's who. He's got Ozzy's project to thank for his fame. 
...but I still wish I was there and had a T-shirt...
Too true, but Ozzy's a tired name.
Overpopular.
And too burnt out to be of any good to society, now.
Plus, he can't work a remote.
Pretty sad.
See, that's where you're wrong.
I'll be proud if I'm so partied and metal'd out by that age that I can't work a remote. It'll give me a sense of accomlishment.
And he does wonderful things for society! Like... Reality TV! And... offspring like the ever-annoying Kelly and Jack Osbourne, who also contribute to Reality TV!
Actually... I think you might be right.
This conversation goes on, but that's about enough for me.
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